today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
