"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want a musical about memes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
