Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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