Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You can't special order awesome
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
