Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I did not marry a roomba.
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