tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
