why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
