My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
