how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
People in love make me want to vomit
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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