apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
