Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
