I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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