you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize