Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
