If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
