we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
