He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
