Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
