new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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