I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
