I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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