I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
