Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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