Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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