I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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