I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
