I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
