If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
