im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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