Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
