I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
