then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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