No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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