So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
