R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Who died my cat blue again?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
