I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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