Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
