Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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