if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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