I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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