remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
