the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
MIDGETS
????
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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