apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
