I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
