On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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