If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Randomize
