My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
