Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
