she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
