If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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