We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
