The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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