He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The struggles of a small town man whore
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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