Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
