upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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