My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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