I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize