Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
